I used to believe resiliency was related to my ability to recover quickly, to be less sensitive and to push through suffering. However, over the years I have come to realize my interpretation couldn’t be further from the truth. Resiliency is an expansive softening – more fluid vs elastic. I believe the experience of stress does change us, it needs to change us and hopefully for the better. We are not rubber bands returning to the same level of elasticity after being stretched. Rather, we are multidimensional beings with a nervous system highly linked to how we live and experience the world. Trying to be like a rubber band is a pathway to collapse because with repeated stretching, the elastic weakens and eventually breaks. In addition, there is no true value to the experience of being stretched when we act as rubber bands. And this is what happens when we expect ourselves to snap back to our original “shape” or be who we used to be, after stressful experiences.

Consider resilience as a fluid state where we have the ability to expand both from and with stressors. Suffering and discomfort have the purpose to deepen our awareness and to open our hearts. The idea of expansive softening as resiliency may seem contradictory for some but ironically, when we allow ourselves to expand, a grounded and powerful clarity emerges. All because we are no longer blocked by our inability to feel our own uncomfortable feelings. Our energy stabilizes internally, even in the midst of chaos.

This intricate relationship between resiliency and expansiveness was reaffirmed for me when I had the privilege of meeting Dr. Cynthia Bourgeault PhD, a modern-day mystic, Episcopal priest, writer, and internationally acclaimed retreat leader. Here’s what she said about resilience:

Resilience does not mean you don’t feel. In fact, your heart opens more
– you just trust in the pain now.”

Trust in the pain? Yes, that’s exactly right. When we turn and face our discomfort and with compassionate curiosity, we step through the portal to expansiveness. The key is to focus on a felt sense rather than the story. Letting go of needing to be right, wanting an apology, needing whomever or whatever to be different, dissolves the tendency to cling and grasp. In that moment, we have freed ourselves and can meet the painful feeling with courageous authenticity. We become more whole, and our perspective shifts – all because we let our uncomfortable feelings be part of our experience. We trusted in the pain.

When we feel whole, we immediately increase our capacity to be compassionate for ourselves, and others. Instead of fighting with our own discomfort, we now embody grounded awareness, confident to respond versus react. From here, our bodies have the felt sense of being a mountain or large tree rooted in the earth’s crust while our minds become as open as a vast sky. We recognize ourselves in each other – there is no separation.

How to develop resilient expansion? Firstly, let go of all beliefs of expecting yourself to bounce back or to be unchanged from a stressful experience, and instead, see resilience as an opportunity for you to expand. Secondly, begin a regular awareness/spiritual practice even if it’s something as simple as taking three conscious breaths. Dr. Bourgeault equates any type of practice to be like river banks where feelings can flow. Such a beautifully poetic way to communicate the real purpose of any awareness practice that brings us into the present moment. Thirdly, try meeting any uncomfortable feeling with curiosity rather than interpretation. Make the conscious choice to simply let the feeling be there without the story. Do this for as long as what is comfortable for you – it may be only a few seconds to start. Most importantly, remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself, as this is a lifelong practice. Gradually, over time you will quite possibly experience a felt sense of opening – this is resilient expansion. Body like a mountain, mind like the sky.