About twenty years ago I had the privilege of seeing His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Toronto. Even though I was seated in the nosebleed section, I was amazed at the power of his presence. When he walked on stage, tears spontaneously ran down my cheeks. It was as if my heart opened so fully as to melt every hidden wall inside of me. I was not alone. The majority of people around me also wiped away their tears, eyes fixed on the Dalai Lama far below – and he hadn’t even uttered a word.

His opening statements were worth the price of the ticket: “I think there may be some people here who will be disappointed because I am just a man” he said. Then a bit later in his lecture; “Don’t try to be a Buddhist. Be yourself.” Hearing those words felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket on an icy cold night. Such a comfort to be reminded that being myself was enough. The question for me was, how to be myself?

I share this story because I attribute those wise and simple messages from the Dalai Lama to be what encouraged me to practice meditation to this day. I have challenges but I prefer to believe persistence pays off. I struggled for years trying different techniques, teachers and styles. I read extensively on the subject, and even became an Applied Mindfulness Meditation Specialist. Despite completing this training, I would often feel frustrated or disappointed when the changes I expected seemed fleeting. Searching, grasping and more searching. My practice was inconsistent and often done with reluctance. Then over the last five years something began to reveal itself to me. The something was two-fold: Firstly, I began to notice my struggle with struggle itself, and secondly, I began to realize meditation happens whenever I am fully present, not only while I close my eyes and shut the world out. There truly is nothing to do, just be.

The concept of noticing my struggle is my interpretation of what the Dalai Lama meant when he said “Be yourself.” I needed to be with my experience even if it was that of struggle. Like many of us, I often focus too much on “doing” and I forget to pay attention to me as a being.  My breathing, my thoughts, how I move my body, and even how I eat are all part of the experience of being me. Noticing without narrative IS meditation! It is the practice of focussing my attention to whatever I am experiencing moment to moment – a curious witness – no interpretation required.

The main gift of being more present is ease. There is a sublte slowing and feeling an inner stillness. This inner stillness has helped me be less reactive in my life overall. Reactivity is a high energy state which is incredibly draining over time. It is destabilizing and creates so much suffering. There are of course, situations where we need to be reactive, such as crossing the road and seeing a speeding vehicle heading toward us. However, reactivity is not conducive to harmonious relationships with ourselves or others for obvious reasons.

I used to believe being less reactive would mean I would become detached or apathetic. I equated reactivity to mean passion. Whoe doesn’t want to live with passion? This has been far from the truth of my experience. Over the years I have noticed my practice of meditation improves my focus, my ability to listen, sensations, and my ability to really trust myself. I have a deeper sense of my own resilience and I am far less impacted by events or other people’s reactivity around me. I become much more adaptable- my energy is calm and grounded, especially when I don’t know what my next word or action will be. There are times however, when I stumle into the pit of reactivity, and get hooked.  I used to feel disappointed when this happened. Now I practice allowing the disappointment, to be there instead of going down the rabbit hole of narrative. I often repeat “don’t believe the thoughts” to myself and it helps shift me back home, to ease. The irony is when I do this, the disappointment melts away just like those walls around my heart did twenty years ago. This is how to be myself.